The First Time
by evenflo78
Summary: A classic tale of boy meets girl. Join Edward on his trip down memory lane, from first sight to the inevitable separation of death, and everything in between. AH/AU M for adult content and language.
1. What's in a Name

**A/N: This is a little short ficlet that has been bouncing around in my head for a while now. It will be 9 chapters long and they will all be pretty short. So updates should come quickly.**

**Big hugs and thanks to my beta Krismom. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; they belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

The first time I met her…

The coffee shop was located just off campus. I had spotted it on the drive in with my mother. So after we had everything settled in my room and said our emotional goodbye's, I walked the short distance. Since I was in no particular hurry, I moved at a leisurely pace enjoying the gentle breeze that swirled through the elms and oak trees towering above me.

Though the campus was a bustling crowd of people, with all the new arrivals moving to their respective homes for the next three years, and parents kissing and wishing their children luck. The shop was relatively empty. I was immediately refreshed by the change of pace. Time stood still… for the moment at least.

An elderly couple sitting out on the patio, eating scones and sipping tea smiled at me as I opened the door. A few other tables were occupied by single bodies hovering over laptops, taking advantage of the free Wi-Fi that was advertised by the sticker on the window, but that was it.

The ting-ting of metal against metal sounded my arrival, but I was assaulted by the heavenly aroma that enveloped the tiny store. Coffee and tea, pastries and cookies, cinnamon and spices evaded my nose, and I inhaled it greedily. It was a food junkies wet dream all wrapped in one tiny room, beating the drums to my stomach through my nostrils_. Delicious_.

I took my time looking over the menu since there wasn't anyone behind the counter. And truthfully, I had no clue what half of it was. I lived in a small town and wasn't privy to the new age coffee fad that had swept the nation via _Starbucks_.

There wasn't anything advertised on the over-sized chalkboard that read black coffee or even one lump or two. _What the heck was a café au lait?_ It was all a guess to me at that point, and I struggled to find something in the coded wording that resembled _Folgers _or _Maxwell House_.

So, when she came around the corner I was quite certain she caught the dumbfounded look on my face. It didn't matter, not really. Because the way her hair fell in soft, dark curls over her shoulders, down her back, and around her flawless face, I was soon gaping at her and blinking like a raver in a room full of strobe lights. _Beautiful._

Her eyes caught mine, and they were literally the color of citrine. I didn't even know what that was exactly. _They're brown right?_ I just knew that they were beautiful, and I was lost in them and their sparkly depths. I shut my mouth and squared my shoulders, refusing to drool like a kid in a candy shop and act like the gentleman mother had risen.

She smiled and asked me what I wanted, and I pointed to something on the middle board down towards the bottom without taking my eyes off her. She made the drink, mechanically, expertly, and I was transfixed by her every move. She looked like an angel. Ethereal.

If the aromas of the shop were what heaven smelled like, then she was what it looked like.

Everything about her was beautiful. From her soft, feminine shoulders to her petite but sturdy frame, she was the personification of, what could only be described as, a fair maiden. Even when she wiped her hands on the green apron she was wearing, which mother would have had a fit about.

You want to take a picture, she had asked me while handing me the cup wrapped in cardboard. I stumbled through a few words like _no_ and _sorry_ and _ma'am_, though not necessarily in that order, before running a hand over my face and smiling widely at her. She had quite literally struck me stupid, and I had no words.

The words that could possibly match the feelings she had awakened in me hadn't been invented yet.

She asked my name, and I said Edward Cullen offering her my hand in greeting. When I asked for her name in return she laughed and the sound was delightful, like wind chimes on a hot summer day or the ting, ting, ting of rain against your window at night. _Magnificent._

I stared at her confused, wondering why she thought it would be funny that I asked her name, even though I could listen to the sound of her laughter and never grow tired of it. Silly, she called me before chastising me for ogling her instead of listening when she introduced herself before even asking for my name. I hung my head in shame, tearing my eyes away from her for the first time since she had walked into the room.

When her hand rested on my shoulder my eyes searched for hers eagerly. You're cute, Edward Cullen she said with a laugh and moved to tend to her next customer. Bella, I heard the gentle, gray-haired woman say as I floated through the door. Her name couldn't have been more perfectly suited.

The first time I met her was the first day of the rest of my life.

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	2. To Die Upon a Kiss

**A/N: Thanks to those of you that took the time to review and alert.**

**Krismom is my beta, and I love her.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

The first time I kissed her…

I had made special plans for Bella and me. It was officially our second date, if you didn't count all the times I had visited the coffee shop, almost to the extent that you could have called me a stalker. She didn't seem to mind. In fact, I liked to think that she enjoyed me coming in to sit and talk with her between customers, but it could've been my imagination feeding my ego.

However, when she asked me out first, I knew it wasn't. I just regretted not having had the guts to do it first. It's a little emasculating when you can't muster up the balls to ask the girl of your dreams out, yet she seemed to have no qualms about it whatsoever.

It was simply another question in the midst of many to her. Rather like_, did you see what the weather would be like this weekend_, or _can hand me the salt_, but came out like, _you_ _want to go see a movie this Friday_, no biggie.

But that night was different. That night it was MY date, MY request, MY man-up, and HER affirmative response that had found us together. It may have been a poor man's date, but it was the best I could offer her. I just hoped she enjoyed the simplicity of it.

We had spent the day at her house. She laughed and said that I cut veggies like a pro, and steered clear of the sharp objects after the first accident. Her clumsiness was cute, and I didn't really think twice about it when I stuck her finger in my mouth, sealing off the blood flow with a kiss.

The heat flooded through my body, the seemingly innocent gesture was suddenly a very intimate and sensual thing. I pulled back quickly, avoiding her eyes and clearing my throat. Bella laughed and thanked me, placing a kiss on my cheek.

I know I smiled embarrassingly huge and I could feel the blush burning my ears, but I kept to my chopping, adding the ingredients to the big steaming pot as I went. I couldn't cook many things, but had a lot of confidence in my gumbo. It was the best I had ever tasted, and not because I liked tooting my own horn or anything. It just was.

Bella's bright brown eyes met mine after having stuck her nose in the deep pot. Smells good, she'd said sounding amazed, and I shrugged. Who said men couldn't cook?

We played a game of scrabble, of which she totally slaughtered my ass, while we waited for the gumbo to finish. The day was warm, but there was a steady cool breeze that made it more than bearable, perfect even, and we decided to have our gumbo on the porch. Both of us had hefty glasses of sweet iced tea that helped cool the burn of the spicy concoction.

The meal was pleasantly quiet save for her mumbled moans of approval, and the click-clacking of our spoons in the bowl. The occasional laugh, curious smiles, and flirty glances throughout were enough to drive me wild.

I was falling hard for her, hard and fast.

After clearing our dishes and rinsing them in the sink, we made the short hike through the woods and up the hill to the place I had found only days earlier. The sun was sitting just below the horizon, setting the sky aglow with blues and pinks before darkness prepared to take over.

Bella turned to look at me, her eyes bright with delight, and the smile on her face as radiant as the sun itself. How'd you find this place, she'd asked while staring in awe at the surrounding hills and trees. There was even a lake off in the distance, but that wasn't what captivated me to begin with.

No, there was nothing else. No light poles, no power lines, no houses, just nature in all of its glorious beauty untainted. Luck and my tendency to explore had found the spot, not me.

The setting was perfect. We waited for the sun to set, and when the mosquitoes came out in full force, we were urged to make our way back to her house. I held her hand and led her through the darkness, making sure there would be no obstacles for her to trip over. The conversation as light and sweet as the smiles she offered me over the curve of her shoulder.

It was the perfect time to make my move. I had thought about it a thousand times, kissing her, and what it would be like. Nothing short of amazing, mind-blowing, life-altering I had no doubt. But that day it was relentless in my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

How would I do it? Would she even want to? Would I be any good?

The worrying never ceased. So when we reached her door and she turned to face me, her teeth tugging at the soft, pink flesh, I knew I had to make my decision. My guts were in knots and my head was fuzzy. The world spun around me, and my pulse throbbed in my ears.

Thank you for the perfect day, she'd said, and I beamed at her my palms sticky and sweaty. I licked my lips before leaning closer, and my stomach somersaulted when her tongue darted out to copy my action.

My eyes closed of their own volition, and Bella giggled when my lips met the side of her nose. I chuckled nervously, stuffing my hands into my pockets and stumbling back a step. What a tool I was. I couldn't even kiss her right.

Goodnight Edward, her whispered voice was so close, and it shocked me. I almost, ALMOST missed it when her soft, warm mouth pressed against mine for the briefest, most chaste kiss. I touched my mouth with careful fingers as she retreated into her home, the door closing gently before me. I grinned unabashedly the entire way back to campus.

The first time I kissed her, I missed.

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	3. One Pain Lessn'd by Anothers Anguish

**A/N: Thanks again for the alerts and reviews. You are all too kind.**

**Warning: Mature content ahead…**

**Big hugs and kisses to my beta Krismom.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer's creation, not mine. Only these words.**

The first time we made love…

I spent a lot of time at her house. So much in fact that I liked to think I was making some serious headway on becoming a permanent fixture in her life.

Declarations of love had been made, and things were becoming…heated, physically. The inevitable next step was rather like my impending doom.

It was bad enough that it was going to be my first time. But for it to be hers as well…Well, that was just like begging for a disaster.

The mechanics of it were easy enough. I knew how to do it, but didn't at the same time. That's what was terrifying.

I knew from books, not experience, that first times were painful and rather anticlimactic for the female party. And that simple fact gave me heart palpitations. I didn't want to cause her any pain, especially if she wasn't going to be getting any pleasure from it. And the fact that I undoubtedly would, made it all the more dismaying.

Nothing that ever caused her pain should bring me joy.

It was a vicious battle that raged on inside my head, comparable to the one that I warred with in concerns to my own body.

Every night she pushed things a little further, and every night I was having it out with my inner cave man. The urges I had for her physically were nothing short of barbaric, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to deny those urges.

That night was much the same. Kisses were heated, the petting was heavy, our clothes remained in place, but we were working around them. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that was enough, my body was adamant in its argument of the fact.

And when Bella said, I don't want to wait anymore; I knew I couldn't keep lying to myself. I didn't want to either.

Are you sure, I'd asked her and in response her hands went to remove me from the confines of my pants. My brain was telling me to fight it, to not let her pull them off, but my body was having none of that. A part of me hated myself for being so weak, but she was just so beautiful, and I wanted to be one with her, mind, body and soul.

She was on birth control, had been since sixteen to regulate her cycle. So we had talked about the use of a condom, and how it wasn't necessary. I was certain that it was going to be necessary to me for fear of being a one pump chump, like I'd read and heard about numerous times. But she convinced me otherwise.

Bella didn't give me time to protest before her hands were slipping the shirt over my head. My traitorous body, in fact, assisted in the process eagerly, no matter what my head was saying. All too fast, I was laid bare before her and she was working on the buttons of her blouse.

There's no rush, I told her when I replaced her fingers with my own shaking ones, and she relaxed into the bed, giving me free reign. I tried to go slow as I revealed her perfect flesh one button at a time, but my body was quickly becoming overexcited anyway.

Her hands caressed my chest as I slipped the fabric over and off her shoulder, and I shivered at the contact. Her pants were next, and as they dropped to the floor my cock throbbed, aching to be warmed by her.

I froze, mesmerized by her beauty and curves only covered by her white undergarments. I had been insistent on keeping either top or bottoms on during our previous sessions. So although I had seen all of her, I hadn't seen all of her at the same time. Bella's beauty was undeniable and breathtaking.

Bella sat up, pressing me back with the flat of her palm. I watched hypnotized as she revealed her soft round mounds with their perfect pink tips. The breath caught in my chest, and my hand lifted of its own accord to caress her breasts.

So soft they felt with their weight perfectly fitting in the palms of my hands.

She gasped and fell back into the bed, my body instantly covering hers, as our lips sought out each others. Tongues and lips, roaming hands and tangling limbs consumed my thoughts until all that existed was us.

Kisses grew more frantic as our bodies slid against each others, and the sounds of our heavy breathing and gasps of pleasure echoed off the walls. The age-old act of passion was acted out between our fleshes, with only one small barrier.

When her panties joined the growing heap of clothes, I was completely in awe of her beauty. All soft curves and flawless skin, dark hair surrounding her haven below and haloing her face above, she was exquisite and all mine.

My fingers tentatively stroked between her folds and she arched against me as I resumed my position between her thighs. We both stopped breathing as the tip of my painfully erect member made its first contact with her slick heat.

Heaven and hell set up residence at the apex of her thighs.

My eyes closed as my body erupted in pleasure, and I feared for the moment when I would actually be inside her. There was no way I was going to last. I knew it, no matter how much I tried to deny it. I just hoped it wouldn't be as awful for her as it was going to be humiliating for me.

Bella shifted beneath me, her hips pressing into mine, and I knew I couldn't get away with putting it off any longer. She wouldn't let me, nor would my own body. The need for her was too great.

I aligned myself, holding my breath as I pressed into her. A thousand sensations dominated me, from the feel of her hot and moist around me to the amount of force I had to use to penetrate her. I wanted to cry for the amount of pleasure I felt. Bella was painfully tight around me, and I panicked with the knowledge that I had hurt her.

I stilled as the tears fell soiling the pillow case beneath her head, contemplating whether or not to call it quits then and there. I willed my body to submit to my control ready to do so at a moment's notice. With a slight nod from Bella urging me to continue, I withdrew and returned to my selfish bliss buried deep inside her. That's when it happened.

Fire exploded from my belly, my toes curled, my pulse thundered, sweat erupted all over my skin, and with a roar of her name my body collapsed on top of hers.

Sorry, sorry, I whispered over and over into her hair, all the while listening to her sniffles and cursing my body for its selfish need. Bella's hands soothed me by running through my hair and over my back, down my shoulders as I caught my breath.

It made me feel worse that she was consoling me. My needs satiated, hers not. Guilt and rage consumed me.

We have forever, she'd said after we cleaned each other up and curled up together beneath the blankets. As I drifted off to sleep, I couldn't help but to think about how much I liked the sound of that.

The first time we made love was a beautiful disaster.

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	4. Marriage of True Minds

**A/N: Thanks to those of you that reviewed. If you haven't please do, I love reading your thoughts.**

**Krismom is my wonderful beta and I love her dearly.**

**Disclaimer: The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, not me.**

The first time I got married…

We couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. The sky was clear, the air warm and the breeze refreshing. As I made my way into the old church with the red door we had visited so many times previously, I couldn't help but to think about how differently it looked to my eyes on that particular day.

The faint smell of cedar was still present behind the overwhelming perfume of the abundance of flowers that adorned the pews and banisters. The long center aisle was draped with a velvet runner in vibrant crimson, matching the door almost perfectly.

From my position behind where the pulpit normally sat, you could hardly tell where the carpet started and the door ended. The small congregation area was filled with bodies, dressed in their Sunday best. Whispered conversations and quiet laughter bounced off the high ceilings and echoed jovially throughout.

Perhaps it was the symbolism of it that made the rustic building seem so different. For that day it became something more than a church to me and to Bella. It became the place where we announced to the heavens and the entire world that we loved and adored each other and would until death.

As certain as I was of the fact, I couldn't help but to be nervous. The cold sweats had assailed me all day. My collar was irritating my freshly shaved neck, my rented tux felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, and the ring in my pocket may as well have been made of the finest crystal. I was so scared something would happen to it. I swallowed convulsively and Pastor Denali patted my shoulder giving me an understanding nod and wink.

Not that it helped. I was a wreck.

I should have been comforted. I should have been thrilled, ecstatic even. But I was scared to death. Scared of failing her, scared of loving her too much or not enough, scared of being a horrible husband. The idea that I couldn't do or provide something or anything she needed frightened me to my very core.

My goal was to be perfect, so I knew I was doomed from the start.

The music started and my heart beat like the wings of a hummingbird. The sound of the crowd standing was like the waves of an ocean. I held my breath.

Her face lit up the vestibule like a million stars burning brightly in the night sky. Not for the first time, I wished Bella's parents were still alive as she made the journey to my left, alone. By my side where she belonged for all the days of our lives, that fact I was never surer of.

Bella's beauty stole the breath from me. The white gown was gorgeous in its simplicity. The scoop neck was modest but showed off the curves of her shoulders gracefully with tiny lace sleeves. Satiny fabric was cinched at her waist by a golden satin bow that flowed in the same simple lines as the reminder of the dress. She was exquisite. Angelic.

She took my hand with firm fingers, and I was ashamed by how sweaty and nasty mine must've felt. The smile on my face couldn't have been any larger. My heart soared.

Her eyes glistened with tears, and I raised my thumb to catch one as it spilled over. The ceremony began and together we turned to face the Pastor. My nerves had seemed to settle once she was by my side. In my entirety I knew that's where she belonged.

We had opted to say our own vows after the ceremonious ones were spoken, unable to decide on one or the other. My words flowed from my mouth as if spoken by someone else, truly uttered from my heart.

_If questioning would make us wise, no eyes would ever gaze in eyes; If all our tale were told in speech, no mouths would wander each to each._

_Were spirits free from mortal mesh, and love not bound in hearts of flesh; No aching breasts would yearn to meet, and find their ecstasy complete._

_For who is there that lives and knows, the secret powers by which he grows? Were knowledge all, what were our need, to thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?_

_Then seek not, sweet the 'If' and 'Why', I love you now until I die. For I must love because I live. And life in me is what you give._

The tears fell from her eyes in a constant stream as my words ceased, but I didn't dare pull my hands from hers. We were connected, with each drip I felt the dew on my own cheek, and with every bat of her lashes I felt the wind on my eyelids. A physical reminder that we were as one in this moment and forever. Two hearts beating as one, truly.

I listened raptly as she recited her own vows.

_My delight and thy delight, walking, like two angels white, In the gardens of the night. My desire and thy desire, twinning to a tongue of fire leaping live, and laughing higher, thro' the everlasting strife in the mystery of life._

_Love, from who the world begun, hath the secret of the sun. Love can tell and love alone, whence the million stars are strewn, why each atom knows its own, how in spite of woe and death, gay is life and sweet is breath._

_This he taught us, this we knew, happy in his science true, hand in hand as we stood, 'neath the shadows of the wood, heart to heart as we lay, in the dawning of the day._

The crowd erupted in thunderous applause as our lips met. I smiled against her mouth and placed my hand on the small of her back as Pastor Denali proclaimed us husband and wife. Turning to face our friends and family, my eyes never once left Bella's. Home was there in her eyes.

The first time I got married, I knew it was forever.

**REFERENCES: Edwards vows…**_**Because She Would Ask Me Why I Love Her**_** by Christopher Brennan**

**Bella's vows…**_**My Delight and Thy Delight**_** by Robert Bridges**

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	5. A Tale Told by an Idiot

**A/N: Thank you so much for the sweet reviews, the alerts and the favorites. I love each and every one of them.**

**Thanks to Krismom for her fantastic beta skills. Much love to her.**

**Disclaimer: I didn't create the characters, Stephenie Meyer did.**

The first time I fainted…

I felt like I had been walking on egg shells for the last month. Every sound she made, every time she stood, or squirmed, or even so much as sighed, I was on my feet demanding to know what was wrong.

The heat that summer had been unforgiving, and I had insisted she stayed indoors. Of course, she never listened to me. Bella insisted on walking every morning saying that she wasn't going to be a couch potato no matter how hot it was. And I couldn't have kept her from her gardens if I barricaded it with steel fences and electrical currents.

That's where I found her that day, sitting amidst the Violet Carson's. She smiled at me when I approached, but I could tell by the faraway look in her eyes she was lost in memory.

They were her mother's favorite flower, and her father had planted them for her birthday two months before the accident.

I sat beside her in silence, taking her hand in mine and letting her have her moment. Losing a parent is never easy, but losing both…well, one should never have to experience that sort of pain. Bella was strong, as strong as they come, and said that they weren't gone, they lived on in her. In her mind, in her tears that occasionally watered her precious garden, and in her heart, they lived eternally.

One could only pray for that kind of faith and optimism.

Bella gasped, squeezing my hand to the point of cracking knuckles before looking at her stomach and then to me.

I froze for a moment, and then stood pulling her with me, my brain and body on high alert. I had spent the last nine months preparing for this moment, but still my actions were panicky and clumsy.

The car was already loaded with everything listed in every single book I could find. Her suitcase was the size of a station wagon, but the list of things that one might need was a hefty one, and varied from book to book. One couldn't be too prepared. Or so I thought.

Bella laughed after I strapped her into the car and tripped over my own feet landing on the driveway with a thud and a cloud of dust. I jumped up as if it were made of hot coals, taking my seat behind the wheel and speeding off down the road. The pain in my shin forgotten when Bella shrieked in pain, my foot heavy on the pedal.

The doctors and nurses had her in a floppy gown and strapped up to a room full of monitors before I could even form a coherent sentence. My pants were still covered in dust and I started making demands for a set of scrubs.

I didn't realize it would be hours before I would actually need them. By the time the doctor made the call that all signs were pointing to go, I had nearly stripped my head of all its hair and walked the soles off my loafers.

I had tried to do everything in my power to make Bella comfortable, but deemed it impossible after she chunked the third cup of ice chips at my head. I could have read every book (which I did) and still not have been prepared.

Bella looked at me trying to smile through her gritted teeth before another contraction hit her, this one seemingly stronger than the last. Her smile quickly turned into a grimace before she slung a few profanities at me and nearly ripped my arm out of socket. Her heavy breathing and cries of pain had my blood curdling in my veins.

The sweat covering her, plastered her hair to her face and I tried pushing it out of the way only to have her snap her teeth at me. I tried using soothing words, telling her what a great job she was doing, how proud I was of her and that everything was going to be fine real soon. But by the angry glint in her eye I could tell she wasn't buying it. I was as much trying to convince her as I was myself.

With the doctors and nurses screaming _push_ and me keeping my damn mouth shut, Bella released a final screech and sagged against the hospital bed exhausted. I grabbed her hand, holding it gently and kissing it repeatedly, thanking my lucky stars that it was over.

I had almost forgotten what all the work was for until I heard the tiny cry fill the silence in the room. My breath came out in a sob, my knees wobbled, and my eyes went blank.

When I came to, a nurse was standing over me with smelling salts, and I practically trampled her into the tile floor on my way to Bella's side.

My chest swelled with emotion and my throat closed in on itself as I took in the sight before me. The tiny scrunched up face wrapped tightly in a pink and blue blanket and Bella's blindingly beautiful smile filled my heart with the kind of joy that only happens once in a lifetime.

We did good, Bella said to me before passing me the little bundle. My heart stopped and the rest of the world disappeared as I touched my daughters face for the first time. We did great.

The first time I fainted was the day our daughter was born.

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	6. A Very Palpable Hit

**A/N: Thanks as always for the alerts and faves, but especially for the reviews. You don't realize how happy they make me. Virtual hugs to everyone that takes the time to drop a line!**

**Thanks to Smfogleman for stepping up to the plate and beta'ing this chapter even though she hates angst. Love her! *hugs*bb**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, Stephenie Meyers.**

The first time I lied…

It was a day just like any other. A cold winter day in which the sun was rising slowly in the sky, and there wasn't a cloud to be seen for miles. We sat outside, each with our coffee and warm housecoats on- a perk of not having any neighbors within eye shot. The steamy cups in our hands warmed us from the inside one sip at a time.

We were quiet, but we always were this time of day. Her lost in her own thoughts, and I lost in mine; it was comfortable. Peaceful. I thought we were pretty blessed that our baby girl seemed to take to sleeping all night pretty quickly. At only eight months old, she went to bed around eight and slept for a full twelve hours. We were lucky.

I was worrying over Bella; headaches were becoming a constant about dinner time no matter what she seemed to do. Nothing she took ever seemed to ease the pain, and I hated to see her hurting. Being the worry-wart that I am, I fretted over it endlessly. She insisted it was nothing, but I asked her to see the doctor anyway, just to be safe. We were to go in two days time, and I found myself eager for the reassuring words of the doctor that it was indeed nothing.

Bella turned to look at me, a small smile on her lips, and I made to return it. When I caught the look in her eyes, I gasped and dropped my mug, sending it tumbling and splashing about the porch.

Her beautiful brown eyes were dead, empty, lifeless.

She continued to smile, and I scrambled towards her hoping my eyes were deceiving me. But no, she wasn't in there. It was her face, her eyes, but it was as if someone else was staring back at me through them. Bella was there- but not, and that scared the shit of me.

I ran into the house, sending a quick text to our neighbors, Peter and Charlotte, before calling 9-1-1. My legs returned me to Bella's side within an instant. She still seemed to be out of it, just sitting and staring and rocking in that damn chair as if nothing was wrong. When I'd ask her a question, she answered it, but her tone of voice was just…off, wrong and eerily calm. I didn't know what to think.

I held her hand and kept her talking until Charlotte arrived to watch the baby. Bella seemed to come out of it then and was freaking out over the look on my face, seemingly unaware of what had just happened. I was panicked beyond the point of knowing what to say to reassure her. I couldn't even reassure myself.

When the ambulance arrived she was in tears. Bella insisted that nothing was wrong, that I must have been mistaken, and she didn't need to go to the hospital. She was trying to convince me that I was overreacting, but I insisted.

They took blood, checked her vitals, and Bella stared daggers into my skull the entire time. When the doctor came back in saying he wanted to do a CT scan, my heart dropped to my stomach. I kissed her forehead, nonetheless telling her everything would be fine and watched with a sick feeling as they rolled her away.

I waited on pins and needles while they ran test after test on her, not feeling the slightest bit relaxed until I was by her side again. Bella and I waited for what seemed like hours, nestled in a stale white room with stale white blinds and stale white floors. Quite the contrast when compared to the bright red blood that was pulsing through my veins at a thunderous rate.

Bella and I were relatively quiet, finding little solace in conversation. I could tell she was worried by the smile she wore that never touched her eyes. And I knew she could tell I was worried because she kept on smiling it to placate me. It wasn't working.

I kissed her repeatedly, not really knowing what else to do, but knowing that I needed to feel her, smell her, touch her warmth to know she was there and okay…at least for the moment.

When the door finally opened, revealing the tall, lanky doctor in the bright, white coat, I could tell by the look on his face everything was not fine. I squeezed Bella's hand and scooted closer to her, kissing her forehead as we faced the results together.

I listened while he spoke, but my brain was all muddled up, stuck on words like _seizure_ and _tumor_, and _inoperable_. I'm sure he said what kind of seizure it was and what kind of tumor she had, but those words seemed unimportant when compared to the rest.

My heart stopped beating while I listened to him tell me my wife was going to die.

_Experimental treatment_ was the next set of words, and I seemed to come out of my haze to focus on them. My heart and mind much preferred the idea that there was hope. Hope, yes she would live. She would fight it…we would fight this, and we would win. We had to…she had to.

Turning to face Bella, I brought her hand to my lips and smoothed my thumb over her moist cheek. Her smile was back in place and she inhaled deep and long when I smiled back. We'll get through this together, I told her. It was as much a statement to her as it was to me.

The first time I lied, I told her everything would be fine.

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	7. When Beggars Die

**A/N: Thank you so much for the alerts, faves, and reviews. I love it each and every time I hear the ding in my mailbox.**

**Big gigantic hugs to Smfogleman for her beta skill, even through the angst and tears. Any remaining mistakes are all my own.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

The first time I begged...

Statements like, _aggressive strain, we've done all we can, and she's not in any pain_, swam through my head, only to be crippled by the killer of them all- _you need to be prepared._

I wasn't. How could I be? We were supposed to have forever, grow old together, die together. Spend our days lazily on the porch swing, and our nights going to bed early. That's how it was supposed to go. We hadn't had enough time.

I knew her, like the back of my hand, I knew her. But there was so much more I wanted to learn. So much more I wanted to do. If I had known...god, there were so many things I would have done differently. So many things I would have changed. All for just a little more time.

How were we supposed to count each other's gray hairs and wrinkles, laughing about the good-ole days when we had the libidos of teenagers and were a strapping young couple in love? I could still picture it, Bella poking fun at me for having a medically enhanced hard-on and me laughing at her roller-coaster hormones.

God, she was so young, too young. We both were.

We didn't even have wrinkles yet, at least not that I could see. It wasn't meant to go like this. She wasn't meant to go like this. I needed more- more of her, of her life, her laughs, her tears, her smile. Just...more, and I didn't like that I was being denied.

Maybe I had done something wrong? Maybe I hadn't loved her enough, supported her enough? Maybe her losing her life was my fault, something I could have prevented. I would've gone back in an instant to change my mistakes, no doubt. Maybe I hadn't cared enough for her in her last days? _God damn me for all the mistakes I have made!_

Maybe I was selfish, because I knew of the pain she suffered. I saw her every time she held her head high, smiled brightly through even the worst of it. It was all a show for the rest of us, not wanting to reveal the extent of her suffering. especially when things were really bad.

Bella was so strong. For me, for our baby girl, for all of us, and I loved her more for it, no matter how ridiculous it was. I would have spent the rest of my life taking care of her, wanted to, longed to even. It wasn't fair. I just wanted a little longer.

Don't go, I whispered into her hair, so soft and bright as it had only recently grew anew. The scent of her filled my nose, and I was transported back to our home instead of the sterile, white room of death. Please baby, don't leave me.

I couldn't raise our daughter without her. I just knew I would fail. There were so many things I didn't know, intuitions I didn't have, talks she was going to need- things meant for a mother. not me, the idiot father. It should have been me on that bed, not her.

I would have died a thousand times over to save her, to prolong her life. I would trade places with her in a heart beat. My life seemed so invaluable when compared to hers.

I was going to be a horrible father. I was going to be a horrible everything without Bella. I was nothing without her, before her, and then everything when I was near her. My potential only harnessed and eventually attained in her presence.

Bella's skin was pale, even more than usual, and it looked paper thin and translucent. Her eyes opened automatically searching for mine, and though they had lost some of their luster, they still twinkled with life. It hurt that I had bore witness to the life fading from them.

The dry skin of her lips cracked and bled a little when she opened her mouth, but the beauty that shone from within her couldn't be diminished. Bella would forever be incredibly and undeniably beautiful in my eyes.

Her body was dying, I could see that. The life in her sprung from the strength of her spirit alone. The fire buring within her took longer to let go, and yet nowhere near long enough. Not for me, it would never be enough.

I love you, Bella mouthed more than said, and I kissed the tear away before it could spill down her cheek. You two take care of each other, was but a whiper from her lips. When I shook my head to argue that I wasn't giving up, she squeezed my hand. Pulling back, I looked into Bella's brown eyes, my own green ones surprisingly dry.

I hated that I couldn't even cry for her.

I'll see you soon, she said before drifting off once more, her lids closing the windows to her soul. I didn't know it would be her last words to me. I cursed the heart as it beat against my chest, the blood as it rushed through my veins, the air that filled my lungs over and over again. All the things keeping me from her side. I cursed my life when she took her final breath.

The first time I begged, I prayed for more time.

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	8. Nothing Can Come of Nothing

**A/N: When I first started the ficlet, this chapter was not in the original outline. However, after it was all written, posted and marked complete, I read through it beginning to end and felt like it was missing something, this was the result.**

**It is unbeta'd so please forgive any errors. I just typed it out this morning and posted it.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own them.**

The first time I tried again...

Our daughter had been pestering me for weeks, maybe even months, about _'getting back in the game'_. I had tried to block it out, but she was having no more of it, insisting that she hated seeing her father lonely, and that her mother would have wanted me to be happy.

I was happy, as happy as I could be without Bella. No one else could ever take her place. And I didn't even want to try it. It seemed like I was being unfaithful by simply entertaining the idea.She was like her mother in that was, I suppose, unrelentingly insistent when she felt in her heart something needed to be done.

When I finally acquiesced, I felt so worn down by her constant nagging, I couldn't even enjoy the brilliant smile that lit up her face.

Her seventh grade choir teacher was the unfortunate soul that was going to be victim to my constant brooding. My inability to be social enough with anyone, much less a woman made it impossible for them to have even a sliver of a chance at breaking down any of my walls. I just hoped I didn't scar the poor woman or send her screaming for the hills.

Alice Brandon was her name, and I had met her a few times before at parent/teacher functions and what-not, but never given her much of a second thought. Bella was etched too deeply, too permanently for me to even want to give anyone else a chance.

I suppose I should have been nervous as I walked up to her doorstep, but all I felt was a wretched pain in my gut and an all around ache in my chest where my heart once had been. I felt guilty.

She was beautiful, of course, with her spiky black hair, and her bright brown eyes. When she smiled it was so contagious, I found myself returning it without even having to try.

I hadn't been to the new restaurant in town, so I didn't know if it would be any good or not. But I was certain that anywhere else we might go would bring memories of Bella to the forefront of my mind, and make it impossible for me to entertain a guest. I wasn't willing to have a break-down in front of a relative stranger, no matter how convinced I was that the evening would be a failure regardless.

Dinner was nice, and the food was excellent. The conversation flowed, and Alice's bubbly personality and general zest for life was impossible for even me to ignore. I laughed when she laughed, smiled when she smiled, and before I realized it, was actually having a good time.

That fact alone scared me to death.

She ordered dessert, a chocolate mousse of some sort, and we shared it as if we were long time lovers. The pang in my gut came back full force, and I couldn't wait for the evening to end.

Having sensed my shift in mood, Alice placed her tiny hand atop mine, and I had to physically stop myself from flinching away from the contact. Her smile was genuine and full of concern, I shook my head, smiling back, and assured her I was fine. I was just ready to go home.

I walked her back to the door, because the gentleman in me wouldn't allow me to spin tires and drive away like a bat-out-of-hell, no matter how badly I wanted to.

I took her tiny hand in mine, kissed it, and thanked her for a nice evening, detesting the fact that my good manners made me do so.

Alice's resulting blush and giggle reminded me of a school girl with a crush, and I hated myself once again for leading her on and possibly giving her the wrong impression.

She stood on her tip-toes, pressing her soft lips against my cheek. I stiffened, closing my eyes, pretending that the contact didn't do things to me, pretending that I wasn't starving for that kind of attention, pretending my body didn't miss the gentle caress of a lover.

Having taken my reaction as a positive one, Alice's lips made their way to mine, and my lips responded of their own volition. They were soft and pliable, moving gently against my own, and I reacted in kind. The warm, wetness of her tongue met my parted lips igniting a fire in me long since forgotten.

In a instant it was as if all my senses were awakened. The smell of her, the taste of her, the feel of her tiny body against me hitting me with brute force. It was wrong, all wrong. She didn't taste the same, or feel the same, or smell the same, and it wasn't right.

I tried to force my body to react as it had only moments before, genuinely, earnestly. I was lonely, and this could help me to move on, to finally let go of the pain. I gripped her shoulders, pulling her against me forcefully, trying to coax a physical reaction to her.

Somewhere deep within me, I knew I needed this, needed the release from the constant ache, needed an intimate touch of a woman's hand and body, but the reaction wouldn't come. Only the crippling regret and guilt.

Regret for using Alice for selfish reasons when I knew I couldn't be what she wanted, give her what she needed. Guilt for trying to forget Bella, erase her from my broken heart in such a filthy way. It was impossible. I was Bella's, and I would forever be hers. Mind, body, and soul, I belonged to her completely.

I extracted myself from Alice's tiny embrace, avoiding her seeking eyes, and mumbled my apologies. I can't do this, I told her, I'm sorry, I just can't. She seemed to understand, but didn't say anything, just backed into her house, closing the door gently behind her.

I got in the car and drove home in silence, the pain of my actions weighing heavily on my heart. Our daughter didn't ask me how the evening went after catching sight of my face and she never tried to force me to try again. I went to bed, wrapping my hands in Bella's nightgown and burying my face in the soft fabric, loathing that her scent was long gone, but the memory of it would forever remain.

The first time I tried again, I knew there would never be another.

**Chapter 8 is the only one that has changed, the following are still the same. Thank you for reading and reviewing.**

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	9. If You Have Tears

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews, alerts, and faves! I love each and every one. Kisses and hugs to everyone that is sticking with me.**

**Thanks to Smfogleman for beta'ing this for me, through tears and all. Love her!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

The first time I cried...

He's a good man, loves her, strong and able bodied, willing to put her above all else, as it should be.

The flowers were fragrant, filling the room with their sweet aroma, and their bright hues varying from violet to red and everything in between. So many colors, I couldn't help but to think about how much Bella would have loved it. Laughter and cheerful conversation echoed within the walls of the old church with the red door. A truly joyous occasion and fitting atmosphere, much like the last time.

Daddy, daddy, daddy, she squealed, do I look pretty?

The last time I saw it, the gown was on Bella. She looked so much like her. My love, my life, maybe that's what made the days so hard.

Beautiful, baby girl, I told her before kissing her forehead and lowering her veil. Every minute without Bella had been hard, the ones of that day excruciatingly so.

She should have been there, my only duty was to give my blessing. Everything else should have been hers. The search for the perfect bridesmaids' gowns, the picking of the china, the designing of the invitations, the days spent on the town, registering and laughing together. Even the girls' day at the salon, grooming hair, nail, and face to make the day perfect, it should have all been hers.

But she wasn't there.

And I was...alone.

Years had passed since she was taken from me, none of which were easier than the one before. I thought something was wrong with me. No matter how badly I hurt, how deep and crippling the pain was, I couldn't cry. I knew I should have, many times, but the tears would never fall. No matter how badly I ached for them.

I wasn't even granted that simple form of release.

I had finally come to the conclusion that I was too broken, too lost to shed the tears I yearned for. You can't cry when you don't even feel like you dwell in your own body. You can't mourn without a heart, and she had mine with her.

The procession started, and I was almost as nervous as I was on our wedding day. Our daughter's arm was hooked securely in mine, and I could feel her tremble as we prepared to make our entrance.

I'm so happy, daddy, she whispered from beneath her veil. And all I could think was, I wish your mom were here. I squeezed her arm in both reassurance and comfort; I knew he was the right man for her. He wasn't good enough, but no one ever would be. I was aware that he was the closest that I was going to get.

He didn't deserve her, just like I didn't deserve Bella, but he was the kind of man that would feel blessed to be allowed the opportunity. As was I, as short as it was, it was the best time in my life. Bella gave me the best of herself, bringing out the best in me, and with our daughter, I could see that it would be the same.

I hoped that they would be allowed more time.

We progressed down the aisle, her seeming to float, while my steps were measured and cautious. I didn't have to walk down the aisle last time, it was quite disconcerting. None of the eyes were on me though, all of them drawn to the beauty attached to my arm. That was the same. They were all entranced by Bella's beauty as well.

The halt came all to quickly, and I turned her to face me, lifting the soft, white lace covering her face. Her eyes glistened with tears, and I saw Bella swimming in them. They fell in a slow stream, landing soundlessly to listening ears on her satiny dress, but to me they may as well have thundered.

Staring into her eyes, and seeing both of them, loving them both, letting them both go, the flood gates opened and my eyes rained. The welcome tears blurred my vision, and yet somehow managing to make me see things with blinding clarity. My chest heaved with the force of my breath, feeling as if I hadn't taken one in the twenty-two years since her death.

I leaned to kiss her cheek, and she returned the gesture, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I wish mom were here, she whispered against my cheek, for you, daddy. My throat swelled and I swallowed thickly. My eyes stained with tears, my cheeks moist from them, and my chest unbearably tight as I digested her words. My only thought was, me too, every minute of every day.

I said my part when prompted, turning her over to the man that would care for her, love her, grow old and die with her, share her every tear and every laugh, for the remaining days of her life, before letting go and returning to my seat.

It was the best seat in the house. There was only one thing missing...

Bella.

The first time I cried was the day I gave our daughter's hand away.

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	10. To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

**A/N: This is the final chapter. Thanks to everyone that has stuck with me through it all. Thank you for all the sweet reviews, alerts and faves. I love them all.**

**Big hugs and lots of love to Smfogleman for her beta magic. Love her!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.**

The first time I died...

Visiting her graveside wasn't something that was ever easy to do. I did it often, keeping the weeds off the headstone- and fresh flowers in the vase, even though she would have thought it unnecessary. A ridiculous sentiment, I could hear her say, they're pretty and smell good, but I don't need them.

I could recall the memory of Bella's voice with perfect clarity. It haunted my sometimes. She had said those very words to me on our second anniversary. After reminding me that her garden was all she'd ever need, she kissed my cheek, thanked me, and set them on the table anyway. I knew of Bella's secret love affair with the perfect flower, even if she never did admit it aloud.

It was true, even in the end, her faithful visits to her flower gardens never ceased. Sure, the time she spent out there lessened, but it didn't stop. I tried to keep them up after Bella had gone, to care for them as Bella would have, but my thumb wasn't as green as hers. I'm sorry to say, they didn't last, but nothing ever did.

Not her.

Not us.

Not even me.

My flower choices varied week-to-week, but they were beautiful each in their own way. Just like Bella. Flawless, yet imperfect, vibrant and aromatic until the last day. Their fragrances that assaulted you senses, searing memories into your head, endless arrays of colors that pleased and tempted the eye. Yes, they reminded me of her. Even as they wilted away, one petal or leaf at a time, so did the days until I could see my Bella again.

I was an old man, aged and weak. Bella wasn't there for the first gray hair I found, or for the following six that revealed themselves in the same sitting. Funny, it was the little things that made me miss her most. Maybe I was more prepared for the big things to bring me a constant, nagging pain, but the minor and mundane always seemed to hit me like a stake to the heart.

I was never ready for those moments. It only seemed to take the slightest thing to set me off, and there was never any warning.

Once it was when I tried a different brand of coffee. The aroma sent me in a torment of emotion, reminding me of our first days and first kisses. Another time, I had found a small patch of dark hair sprouting up on my back. I sobbed for an hour sitting on the bathroom floor because she wasn't there. I would never get the chance to hear her laughing at me and calling me a gorilla or something equally as charming.

Memories like that had been stolen from me, ripped from my hands and heart with her death.

Thirty-five year was a long time to live without her. A life-time of memories lived without my love by my side to share them with. And with our daughter married, her children growing and learning, their own lives being lived to the fullest, I knew I was ready.

Sure, there would be things I would miss. Not being able to watch our grandchildren grow up, marry and have lives of their own. I was definitely going to miss that. But nothing more than I had missed my Bella. I had missed her long enough.

The second, minutes, days, and years had been long and hard without her. I liked to think I did okay without her, that I had done her proud, but I also know that I would have done better with her.

Oh yes, I was ready. Ready for us to be reunited, ready for our forever.

It was time to go home.

I laid down on the soft grass, the morning dew soiling my clothes, but it wouldn't matter. Not where I was going. The flowers were clutched to my chest as if they were Bella themselves, having had represented her for so long. Represented the life she didn't have, the body that was buried beneath the earth. Their scent filled my nose, soothing me, comforting me, and I closed my eyes.

It didn't take as long as I thought it would. There was no pain, no nothing except for an overwhelming sense of peace. No air to fill my lungs, no sounds to tickle my ears, no thumping of my heart against my chest, no more aching in my weary joints. I just was, and then...I wasn't.

She was there, as I had imagined her to be for so long. As beautiful as ever, her radiant hair billowing around her with the invisible wind, her eyes vibrant, her smile blinding, her skin glowing with life. My heart soared, and my soul sang. _My Bella, how I have missed you_.

I've been waiting for you, she said to me. Her voice like honey to my ears, sickly sweet, thick and filling, my whole heart exploded with life and my love for her. I'd been waiting for her too.

The first time I died, I dreamt of our forever.

**Chapter titles all came from quotes by the amazing William Shakespeare, so I don't own those either. **

**Again, thank you so much for reading. Press the little button and please tell me what you thought.**

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